Saturday, October 31, 2009

1999 Cadillac DeVille Hearse - Happy Halloween

When I was in high school, there was a kid in my class who drove a hearse. It was a hand-me-down from his father, who owned a funeral home. (His mother was a doctor. Think about that... No matter what happened to a sick person, it was a potential financial "win" for that family. That's a little scary.) We weren't close friends, but we hung around with some of the same people and the hearse always seemed to be around.

I didn't like the hearse. I wouldn't drive in it, I wouldn't sit in it, I wouldn't stand near it. It spooked the hell out of me. I'm not a superstitious person, I don't believe in ghosts or an afterlife, but there was something about that hearse that creeped me out.

I have to admit that it was a useful vehicle, especially in the summer when we would have beach parties. Quite a few kegs fit in the back. It had this apparatus that slid out of the back of it that, with a piece of plywood, made a neat table. All the food and drinks for the party were placed on it. I would usually send somebody to get food and drinks for me, as I wouldn't go near the thing.

I guess I'm a wuss. There are a lot of people not employed in the funeral industry (is that the right term?) who drive hearses. Some of these vehicles are highly modified, others are dead stock (Dead stock. Get it?).

There are a number of hearse owners clubs out there. This one, hearseclub.com, is pretty insane. It sells hearse accessories, including coffins, the little funeral flags, etc. It also has a page of "Hearse Girls"; scantily clad women posing with hearses. Another, Phantom Coaches Hearse Club, has the motto, "We put the 'fun' back into 'funeral'." Uh, OK.
If you do a Google search you'll find literally dozens of Hearse clubs worldwide.

The hearse shown above is available on eBay. I don't know what to say about it as, quite frankly, I know nothing about hearses. The seller says it has ice cold air conditioning. That's good, I suppose.

If you want a hearse (and attract Hearse Girls), you can find the eBay listing here.

This all brings me to another point... A few months ago I was stopped at a traffic light and a hearse drove by. It was a Chrysler minivan. It was all hearse tricked out with the dark tint windows, a landau roof and the S-shaped landau bars, but it was a Chrysler minivan. Just how bad of a life did you have to lead in order for your final earthly ride to be in a Chrysler minivan? Hell must have seemed like a pretty good place after that.

I know that many of my friends and family read this blog. Here's a tip... When it's my turn to take that final earthly ride, find a Laforza. Put me in the back of an Audi RS2 Avant. Slide me into a GMC Typhoon. Heck, find a BMW M Coupe, prop open the hatch and let me hang out the back. I don't care. But whatever you do, DO NOT put me in a Chrysler minivan. Because if you do, and if by some chance there actually is an afterlife, I will make the rest of your life miserable.

Happy Halloween.

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